At some point in our lives we hold ourselves back from something or someone based only on some underlying fear. At the time, it might seem the “smart move,” the “logical choice” because our minds allow us the opportunity to rationalize whatever we want it to. The truth, if you eventually let it in, is that we become our own worst enemy in how we treat ourselves. Whether it be because we’re worried of the outcome, of failure, of judgment, of not being enough. Or perhaps we’ve told ourselves a million times how we don’t deserve it, or that the want of things is inherently negative, and so we’ll rise above it, rise above our feels. So we come up with excuses; too busy, too much, and tell ourselves “another time, another place.” And what we lose is so much greater than what could have potentially been gained.
This year was a struggle for me, and perhaps, if I wanted to admit it, it’s been more than a year. It’s had a couple of amazing peaks, but more often than not, some tremendous valleys. Of those more recent, as I previously wrote about was the loss of a friend. I believe in learning from experiences, even those where nothing positive can be seen. When my friend died, so did the piece of me that cared about fear of putting myself out there. For those of us in the event, we called it the “F**k it all” stage. After all, it was her that outright told me to “go for it dude, it’s meant to be.” And maybe she was wrong on half of this situation, but she was most certainly right on the idea that life is so fleeting that holding ourselves back from a situation, an opportunity, or a person because of fear is worthless. And yeah, getting hurt is part of the game. And I will call it a game, because despite us claiming we don’t play them, it’s all we ever seem to do.
All of us have broken pieces floating inside of us. When someone tells me they have issues, I’ve always joked “don’t worry, I have a subscription.” They pull us down in ways we never expect, at times unnoticed even to ourselves. You usually have to let someone close enough to even have it pointed out. The most difficult thing we do in life is be vulnerable. In fact, the very art of vulnerability requires so much bravery, I don’t understand why it’s ever been considered to be a weakness. To be vulnerable is to expose yourself, knowing full well this could hurt like hell. And 9 out of 10 times, it does. So why do it again? Well…because sometimes we hope that this one time, just this once, we could be “that person.” The one who it works out for, the one who is wanted, the one who is needed. And that we’re not the only one willing to be afraid. As humans we can get ourselves through anything, any disappointment, loss, new start. But the curse of vulnerability is that we can never be the same person we were before. If you take the time to expose who you are two things can happen: you can be burned, or you can ignite. Either way we’re playing with fire. And either way, we shouldn’t stop. It’s okay to want something. And it’s certainly okay to want it long after you fear it will never be. Do things sometimes work out? Does that universe hit us over the top of the head again? I don’t know. Maybe? I certainly hope so.
So what does love have to do with it? Well, it all comes down to that in the end doesn’t it? Nothing else really matters but who we choose to spend that time with. That fleeting time. So stop worrying about the schedule, or whether you can live up to something. Stop fearing opening up, because it won’t save you from hurt, it will just hide for a while. Take a chance. Take the chance. Be open to love. Say “I love you” freely, and without shame or fear. We might never be in a position where the love of our life hops in our trunk(so to speak), sometimes we have to step out of our lane and know that the other person can see you for exactly who want to be. No matter how deep down you buried yourself in that fear, some will always see.
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