By Matthew Cohen
SJS Staff Writer
Forward and back, that is the nature of our lives. It does not have to be. I used to think there would be a stage where I would be, or I would find people who are, contented with their lives; after all why else strive in the way that we do. It’s a tricky thing though, I see plenty of struggle and not so much contentment. I’ve trained well, I know the response, “If you do not strive, nothing will be accomplished.” Maybe, I suppose there is something to that, but it seems….incomplete. That sort of reasoning is very drastic, it has a twinge of avoidance. In other words, it changes the subject and does not address the topic directly.
Anyway, why is it so important for things to be accomplished? In many ways we use that word, accomplished, in the stead of advancement. So, why is advancement so important? There is a lingering belief in the concept of advancement that includes the word “better”. We imagine our heathen ancestors sitting under candle light, we conceptualize ourselves as being superior, but I am not so sure. It seems to me that human history’s central theme of struggle and strife live comfortably in the 21rst century. Perhaps there are more comfortable human lives, but that has an ebb and flow to it. I can certainly say that happiness does not abound. Of course I am not all places at once, but I get a sense that it doesn’t.
There might be a handful of people I have ever met that are content. The more one pays attention to these things, the easier it is to see in retrospect. The rest of us, me included, are climbing invisible walls, that’s why we are so tired. I think I am fortunate enough to get a break from that now and again, but this is more like being dragged back from the shore when high tide rolls in, back and forth. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with us, this is just a commentary on the fact that most people do not know they are being dragged about. They think it is not only natural; that this is the only way life goes. I get a sense of relief knowing that this is not so, even if it does allow me to bypass that normal human madness. Always creating walls, always defending, fighting, rationalizing, and all without ever getting a break. Don’t we deserve a break? Is the price of advancement breaking one’s back and will at the same time?
There are 10,000 injustices in this world and 10,000 complaints to go along with them. They are all related. Trying to right one just creates another. Trying to understand them all is the only course. If we wake in the morning, put on our armor, and spend the entire day defending our ground, we waste this precious opportunity, and it is so damned hard not to get swept up into that pace. And we don’t talk about it. How can we ever make a change if we don’t spend some time on the subject. I think perhaps for the first time in my life I am completely out of answers and you know what, that is fine by me.
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One cannot totally or completely control their lives. Life is about living which means going with the ‘ebb or flow’ of the tide. Instead of seeing it as invisible walls, see it as opportunity to seek something better, as an opportunity for personal and professional growth.
Happiness is what you make it to be. I know many who are ‘happy’ with their lives, comfortable with where they are in life, but usually it is in either their personal or professional life. I do not know many who are comfortable and happy in both. So, opportunity for change!
The big question for one to ask themself or to use with friends, colleagues and clients is, “So, what do you want?”
Or maybe, how can you know what you want?
Perhaps the question to ask is, “How can you not?” If you are unhappy and realize this, than change of some sort is needed. Key point is the ability to realize one is unhappy.
It is ok to just go with the flow or do nothing, but would one rather do that or perhaps see, what they want to change in their life?
I mean this a bit deeper then that, ones ability to really assess their own happiness is shaky as best. They don’t know what they want, still complain even when they are happy and don’t have any idea how they came up with their idea of happiness in the first place. My premise is that people in general do not, as evidenced by their striving and complaining.
Unfortunately, alot of the population only knows to complain instead of being solution focused and striving to find out why they are complaining and focusing on making change. People need to ask themelves, ‘What do I like about my life?’ ‘What do I not like about my life?’
There needs to be a shift as I believe lot of this ‘unhappiness’ or complaining is people have lost their values, their sense of direction and have gotten caught up in materialism and $. Neither will bring one true happiness.
People need to find their passion whether professionally or personally.
Food and sex- quantity, quality, and control of access- that’s what it all boils down to. Happiness/unhappiness/striving– sort through it all, and our basic nature becomes quite clear.
I disagree Mike, I think we are significantly more then that. That is what we are now, but in the eternal scheme, much much more
Fixed the comments:)
Michael, I have to say I am a bit surprised-I could make a comment about the differences of men and women, but will not go there- perhaps you should read, ‘The Male Brain’ and ‘The Female Brain’ (2 separate books) by Louann Brizendeme, MD.
Our brains are hard-wired from the moment of conception, moving forward until toddler years with the surge of hormones and then again as teenagers.
I really hope most of humanity is much more than what you have described.
No need to hope, we are certainly more then that.
I want the majority of humanity to be more than that! Forget materialistic goods and such basic needs as Michael described along with money and focus on community, family, friends, improving relationships, raising children to be part of the global world, but at the same time retaining the values and beliefs of empathy and compassion! This just proves the need for EQ and SEL to be taught in schools……
I want the next generation, my kids included, to be empathic, compassionate and focus on community over materialism and $.
The ‘basics’ will always be there Michael in a good environment and relationship.
Nope – all the rest is simply window dressing. Maslow nailed it- hiearchy of needs and all. But the foundation is what it’s all about. Love, relationships, families = centered around procreation. Wealth, housing, work, employment = ways to get and store food. War, racism, politics- who controls the food and access to sex. Even for women- how to feed the kids (sex again!)
except, sex isn’t sex, that’s a high end concept, it’s all universal movement, energy transfer, the exact same thing that makes stars move. Electrons, protons, neutrons, empty space, chemical bonds. It’s easy to stop at sex and say that is all there is, its a convenient way of not abstracting what is going on, and the truth is we just do not know enough about the where and why to say anything really intelligent about the meaning save that it’s happening and all things are interdependent on the same processes. Humans are fixated on their current form, and exclude all the forces that give rise to past, present and future, to where we are now.
Since I am probably one of the older ones commenting on this discussion…..I think we have gotten slightly off topic!
If one wants to go beyond the basic, take a look at neuroplasticity, read the book, “The Brain that Changes Itself” It is worth reading and goes beyond the basics……
Reproduction is how our molecules (DNA) pass themselves on! Food is how they are sustained. The question posed in the OP was why do folks strive to bring about happiness and seem to not reach it? Because they forget the basics- good sex, good food- are the basis of happiness, and make life too complicated. If you talk to most unhappy people long enough, the lack in those areas- and most happy people have both.
I’m not really talking about happiness, I am talking about contentment. Not why they strive to bring about happiness, but why do they strive. We do what your doing constantly; adding one concept to another as if they are naturally the same thing. Take all the concepts away, and what is left. My basic point is that people do not know why the strive and as a result know little about contentment.
Take away all the concepts- you got energy into matter (food) and continuance of our molecular pattern (reproduction!). To be content, one must be happy. Not to be too frank- but what can offer more contentment than a great meal, followed by a great roll in the hay? You’d be hard pressed to find someone discontented after that!
yea, for 6 hours lol!
Opening sentence: ‘Forward and back, that is the nature of our lives.’ Hmmm…could mean 2 steps forward and 1 step back, which is the ebb and flow of the tide in the ocean, but every so often the tide becomes a tidal wave and other times it barely reaches the beaches….that IS life!
Michael-you continue to amaze me with your depth 🙂 As one in the helping profession I am sure there is more to you than what you write here.
As for contentment I think people do not now how to define that.
Interesting discussion…….
One cannot rise high without firm foundations. Maslow got it right. Food and sex are the driving forces of our world. Basis of economy is food, basis of family is sex. Everything else flows from that. Firm foundations are not shallow- they are the stable platforms that we base our lives on, whether we’re going forward or back. Think on this- tell a major issue facing our world or facing individuals, and you’ll always come back to the two basics.
@Matt- Yes, but what a great six hours!!! 🙂 And if you have regular access to both, why not have more of each six hours later?
I cannot and will not argue with any of that lol. I am a practical mystic 😉
Michael, Michael, Michael…….. 🙂
So define contentment Matthew-what are you really seeking in this piece?
Struggling is part of life and something we all do at some point-there are different kinds of struggles…….
As for contentment-that is something completely different and we each have our own definition of the word.
Contement is the cessation of searching. Struggle itself is a concept, not a state of being.
Contentment to me is acceptance of self and life circumstances. Also, there is balance in one’s life meaning work and life balance.
I disagree, contentment is letting go of the “self”.
So becoming one with the universe? Religion and culture will play a part here along with upbringing in defining contentment…….
We already are, realizing it is somewhat hard lol
Matthew, I will keep that in mind-too early in the day for a mystic or philosophical dialogue……
If I had a dollar for every time someone has said that to me!
Let me guess…you would be weatlhy and give most away to charity right? 🙂
My wife yelled at me for just that sentiment yesterday lmao
My husband would say the same to me! We all need enough to live on, to provide for our families, enjoy life a little and save some…but charity is important to in whatever form, whether it is monetary, food, clothing or the giving of our time.
Being in the helping profession means we for the most part will not be weatlhy in $, but we will be wealthy in other ways.
Contentment is letting go of self- Buddha nailed one of the paths, no doubt. It’s mental removing oneself from the pursuit of food and sex; motivators notable not just in their presence, but in their abstinence as well!! I like the Jewish view, mitzvahs, (good works and blessings)should be beautiful, and enjoyed, as gifts from G-d. As I;m Jewish myself, I may have a bias…but it makes sense to me! Enjoy your gifts, help others to enjoy theirs and/or obtain theirs as well, and accept that the basis of life is food and sex- contentment the is making both beautiful, for yourself and for others.
I’m Jewish too Mike:) Well obviously lol
Cool! You never know, though– I’m a convert, raised Catholic, and had a friend in CCD (Catholic equivalent to Hebrew School), whose last name was Cohen- with the way people convert, you never know! Without offereings to burn, even the ancient priesthood can convert!
Michael, your writing style has me thrown for a loop 🙂 I like the new philosophical style better…I also am Jewish and converted-raised as a Catholic. There is alot I like in Judaism…mitzvah’s are an element I like along with tzedakah.
My last name obviously does not give the impression that I am Jewish……a very English name.
@Vicki- you converted the opposite way! Nothing wrong with that- I was amazed at how similar Reform services are to the Mass. Orthodox services are something else altogether! And I’d love to attend a drunken Hasssidic service, but my wife sometimes has to set limits for me…dunno, sometime she thinks I can be a bit over the top…imagine that!? I hope the loop is a good one- everywhere I’ve worked I try to bring in good spirits and humor, something social workers truly need! And I got gallows humor, indeed- deal with child homicides, torture,and rape on a daily basis (I now supervise a CPS reporting hotline, after a decade of being an investigator, then supervising investigtions) and you get that way! The only alternative, I believe, is to go nuts…(hmmmm….unless that is what already happened! HA!)
Michael, Now I understand your humour so thank you! I work with seniors. I was a therapist for 1 1/2 years with children, youth and families right after I graduated with my MSW and had a few children who were subjected to all kinds of abuse-fortunately at that time I was not a parent.
My niche is seniors/older adults- my interests professionally focus on this demographic.
Off tonight to a presentation on Personalized Medicine which focuses on tailoring medication to the genome/genetics in us so it’s the right medication the first time around….
Let me clarify Michael, I was born and raised Catholic and converted to Judaism as an adult……
Oh, I misunderstood! You converrted the same way I did. Mazel tov! 🙂
Thank you, although I do not see a similarity between church services and shul. Church-service was 1 hour tops! Shul, here in Montreal you are looking at 3 hours minimum! None meet my needs and so I have become somewhat secular which is too bad….
Judaism to me is about community, mitvah’s, tzedakah and this translates into my work as I work at a Jewish non-profit. I love what I do, I continue to educate myself and update my skills and knowledge as I continue to work with the same clients and watch them age and adjust to becoming…..different if that is the right word. 2 steps forward and 1 step back….